One Liner Jokes

IT one liner jokes

• Maybe if we start telling people the brain is an app they will start using it.
• I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
• My mom said that if I don't get off my computer and do my homework she'll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she's jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn
• My email password has been hacked. That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
• A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Where am I?

Balloon

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realises he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”

The man below says: “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”

“You must be an engineer” says the balloonist.

“I am” replies the man. “How did you know.”

“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s no use to anyone.”

The man below says “you must be in management.”

“I am” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

Pygmy Hippopotamus

Hunting gone wrong

Animal Kingdom

• Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
• “I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
• The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
• There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”

Anything

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says:

• "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words."

The guy replies:

• "Hey, why not?" He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly. "Paint…my….house."

In a Bar

Oceans

• How do all the oceans say hello to each other?
• They wave!

Oceans

Cats are the best

Cats are the Best

A German Shepherd, Doberman and a cat have died.

All three are faced with God who wants to know what they believe in.

The German shepherd says: "I believe in discipline training and loyalty to my master."

"Good," says God. "Then sit down on my right side. Doberman, what do you believe in?"

The Doberman answers: "I believe in the love, care and protection of my master."

Ah," said God. "You may sit to my left."

Then he looks at the cat and asks, "And what do you believe in?"

The cat answers: "I believe you're sitting in my seat."